8 myths from the “The Ethical Slut”
In this article, I’d like to take you on a discovery ride of 8 myths dissolved in the book “The Ethical Slut” by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy.
Imagine a world where being a "slut" isn’t about shame, but about being unapologetically true to yourself and your needs. The idea of the ethical slut is not about sleeping around. The ethical slut embraces open communication, consent, and mutual respect whilst discovering their own desires.
Excuse me, I’m not a slut??
I know I know, I can hear your doubts about the applicability to yourself about the book. So let me help you get rid of some predispositions by simply explaining the concept of an “ethical slut”.
Imagine a world where being a "slut" isn’t about shame, but about being unapologetically true to yourself and your needs. The idea of the ethical slut is not about freely sleeping around. The ethical slut embraces open communication, consent, and mutual respect, ensuring that everyone involved is on the same page (the ethical part). An ethical slut is in tune with their own desires and values and flips the script on traditional notes about sexuality and monogamy, celebrating the idea that you can have multiple connections—romantic, sexual, even friendships or otherwise—without compromising your values. It’s not just about actively exploring or chasing certain types of open relationships. Ethical sluts are also the non-practitioners who are just curious and interested to peek beyond the fences of pure non-monogamy. So if we’re being totally honest, there are many more ethical sluts walking amongst us than you’d think!
This concept encourages you to explore your sexuality with joy and curiosity, free from societal judgment. It’s about building a community where love isn’t a finite resource and every connection is a chance to learn, grow, and enjoy the wild ride of intimacy.
Although there are many many interesting elements in this book, I’ve chosen to highlight 8 myths about sluts explained in the beginning of the book. I believe they are the most eye-opening but at the same time very logical as well. It’s a little push to ask questions and to loosen up the ties from decades old cultural belief systems based on wrong assumptions that “everybody knows” certain things about non-monogamy. So by sharing these myths, I invite you to broaden your own ideas and mindset a tiny bit about ethical sluthood.
So without further ado, here are the 8 myths about ethical sluts and open love. Please note that the description of the myths is not a verb per verb copy of what is written in the book. You can find more background into the book itself here. I suggest to get an idea of the book first before diving into the myths themselves.
Myth #1: Long term monogamous relationships are the only real relationships
Modern society seems to have forgotten that monogamy is a relatively new concept in human history and makes us unique amongst primates. There is nothing a monogamous relationship offers that cannot be achieved through other forms of relationships such as partnership, deep attachment, stable parenting, personal growth and care.
The idea that everything besides monogamy is not a “real” relationship, makes people who aren’t in a monogamous relationships or who find themselves attracted to or loving multiple people question themselves (rather than the myth): “What is wrong with me? Where is my other half? Am I incomplete without? Am I not good enough?”
A subset of this myth is the belief that if you’re really in love (with one person), you’ll automatically lose interest in or attraction to all others. “You’re having feelings for anyone else but your primary partner? Then it’s not real love.” I hope some of you sense the absurdity of this idea. A ring around your finger does not cut off any nerve stream to the genitals.
The authors of the book even break in the door by posing that, if you feel like you don’t have another option than monogamy, is it really consensual? Did you really consciously choose to agree to monogamy of have you merely never dare to wonder any other routes?
Myth #2: Romantic love is the only real love
Grab your favourite romantic novel or listen to your feel good love song. Ever noticed how this flammable instant big love doesn’t sound all that comfortable? “Crazy in love”, “love hurts”, “blinded by love”, “obsessed”, “losing yourself”. These are all descriptions of mental or physical illness. This “real romantic love” described by (pop)culture is a mix of lust, adrenaline, changing emotions topped off with uncertainty, insecurity, jealousy and even anger. This might sound thrilling, but is definitely not a great foundation for an ongoing strong relationship. So shouldn’t the metrics for whatever real love might be, be set broader than the pure romantic ones? Or in reverse: who decided that romantic love is limited to just one person?
Myth #3: Sexual desire is a destructive force
Remember the Garden of Eden? That was were many double standards arose. Some cultures and religions still preach that women’s sexuality is evil and dangerous whilst men are hopelessly voracious and predatory. It’s the role of women to control and civilize men by being pure, asexual and withholding. I know, these harsh double standards might not really actively live amidst your current surroundings, but many people still feel some sort of shame regarding sexual desire and especially when it’s towards multiple people. The authors suspect that more marriages ended in nasty divorces over cheating than have been disturbed by ethical consensual non-monogamy from pursuing sexual desires.
Myth #4: The only moral way to have sex is within a committed relationship
This myth, in my experience, does not really live amongst our younger generations anymore (currently speaking from a Belgian perspective) BUT for those who are still on the verge of believing, I happily disclose what the authors have to say about it.
An old saying goes: men agree to relationships to have sex and women agree to sex to have relationships. I truly hope (and think) that this idea has been left behind. Such nonsense leads to an idea of sex as currency in exchange for security and other perks granted to traditional pair-bonding. In this view, all sex for fun, mere pleasure or self discovery will be regarded as immoral and socially destructive.
Sidenote: both authors are American. So although this myth might not apply to your surroundings directly, it’s a great reminder that such a simple thought as “sex for fun is okay” can be valued very differently in other (Western) parts of the world.
Myth #5: Loving someone makes it okay to control their behavior
We’ve all heard it “awww they’re jealous, they must really care about you”. This reasoning is symptomatic of a very disturbed set of personal boundaries that can lead to a great deal of unhappiness. The authors believe that this territorial way of thinking is designed to make people feel secure, but instead makes a lot of people feel furious and frustrated. Controlling who you talk to, who you text, who you meet up with and what time you get home, aren’t part of “loving”. There’s a difference between caring and controlling.
Myth #6: Jealousy is inevitable and impossible to overcome
Jealousy is a very common experience. So much so that a person who doesn’t get jealous might be experiences as a bit odd, in denial or “not that invested”. First of all, it’s good to remember that the boundaries for jealousy differ greatly between people. An event that might set one person off, isn’t even mentally registered by the other. Some people regard jealousy as such a devastating emotion that the only way to deal with it is to succumb to it. Many people therefor think that jealousy in an intimate multiple-people-situation is inevitable. 1 + 1 + 1 = jealous. Starting from this perspective, being intimate with a person other than the primary partner can only be done in secret as to not disturb the primary partner.
The authors argue that this does not necessarily has to be the case. There are many tools, tricks and communication styles to cope with such feelings and make them ease off in the future. The book deals with jealousy extensively and is therefor a great purchase for anyone who finds themselves struggling with it (even in a monogamous relationship).
Myth #7: Outside involvements reduce intimacy in the primary relationship
We’ve all been drowned in the idea pushed forward by “marriage counselors”, the media and for most, our upbringing, that if a person has an “affair” that this has to be a symptom of unresolved conflict of unfulfilled needs within the primary relationship. Although this obviously can be the case, it doesn’t happen as often as certain “relationship gurus” like us to believe. The myth makes us believe that sleeping with someone else is not something you do for yourself but something you do to your partner and it’s the worst thing you can even do to them. The myth leaves no room for any possibility of constructive open sexual lifestyles. In addition to what the authors set out under this myth, I’d like to add that the same goes for the belief that still live amongst many of us that there must be something wrong or going sour within the primary relationship if people decide to open up their relationship/bed to others. The step towards a more open sex life is regarded as the last life vest to save the relationship OR it’s the compromise made by one partner to the other.
It’s cruel and unthoughtful to regard affairs or open relationships as symptoms of sickness in a relationship. This can leave the “cheated-on” partner wondering what’s wrong with them or it can leave both partners having to defend their choices and prove that their relationship is doing just fine if they decide to open it. There is a huge variety in reasons why people seek intimate closeness or activity outside the primary relationship. An outside involvement does not have to subtract in any way from the intimacy you share with your partner unless you let it or if it is unethical/nonconsensual.
Myth #8: Love conquers all
Damn you, Hollywood! All those romcoms imprinted the believe in our heads that “true love means never having to say you’re sorry”. Love conquers all: there’s no need for arguments, disagreements, communication or negotiation if you’re truly in love. It also tells us that if we’re really in love, we automatically get turned on by our loved ones and that passion rekindles effortlessly AND that the love you feel for your partner and the desire that automatically goes with it should be enough. If you believe this myth, you’ll find relationships terminate prematurely.
Such belief does not leave room for any openness in a relationship because any invitation of other people into the relationship are signs that the love between the primary partners isn’t strong enough anymore and it’s just not conquering as it should. Let’s stay clear of playing doctor with someone else’s relationship and learn and discover because we place any diagnosis.